The Life of an Attention Whore

Monday, January 10, 2005

Russian's Birthday

When Russian told me he was throwing himself a birthday party in hopes of achieving a Geneseo drunk, I was down. When he told me to invite female friends, I saw it as a good opportunity to give Bffaeaeuddup and Pinky a little taste of the Geneseo world.

Bffaeaeuddup, Pinky and I left from Queens to Staten Island in an uneventful trip until we actually got to the NY garbage dump that we call a borough. The rest of NYC doesn't care about Staten Island, and neither did Mapquest. Mapquest showed its affection by giving us completely wrong directions. The exit didn't exist, right turns were left turns (and vice versa) and all the measurements were wrong. Fuck you mapquest, I just want to get drunk.

After an excessively long drive we eventually found Russian's house. The parking lot looked like a great place to get raped so we headed on into Russian's house. When we got there it turned out the only Geneseo people there were me, Crackey, Russian, and Zippers. Fortunately, true to the reputation of my friends, Zippers was already drunk along with another guy. Russian's friend was also russian so we'll call him Boris. Crakey was calling him Yeltsin all night anyway. I saw Russian and wished him a happy birthday and asked him where his parents were. He responded "We're going to make resin pasta later" His attention span gives you a taste of the level of drunkness we had walked into.

A few minutes into the beer festivities, Bffaeaeuddup and Boris realize they go to the same school and are friends with the same people. This initiates the all night game of Boris trying to get into her pants. His game was the textbook picture of a drunk guy hitting on someone. Me and Bffaeaeuddup were able to overhear some wonderful conversation. Overhearing drunk conversation is like seeing the Paris Hilton sex tape, there's really not much of an effort going on to keep it hidden. One of his more discreet statements was "Give me the beer I'm trying to get a girl drunk"

A bunch of us sat down and started to play drinking games which evolved into "questions". For those of you unfamiliar with the rules, all you need to know is that every question must be answered with a relevant question. Crackey responded to each question with the insertion of the words "your mom"For example:
Russian: Why do you fuck donkeys?
Crackey: Why does your mom fuck donkeys?
At some point a verbal dispute broke out between Boris and Zippers regarding semantics of the game and Boris yelled out "put a tampon in your vagina cause you're acting like a pussy!"

Soon after, Pinky drove Russian to pick up two more of his friends. This caused another drunken dispute between Zippers and Russian over who was in better condition to drive. Both were clearly shitfaced but Zippers almost won when he pointed out "I don't have a DUI". Fortunately Pinky intervened and prevented DUI number two for his apartment.

When Pinky came back with Russian and his two friends Josh and Tom they had another friend in tow, a little friend that I like to call KO in a bottle. Josh set down the bottle of Absinthe and looks of awe came from around the room. Many have heard the reputation of Absinthe, but few have experienced its wrath. Take that as foreshadowing. The absinthe started going around the table with most people taking at least one shot, some more. Following my half shot of Absinthe I declard myself officially drunk, and I immediately proceeded to smoke before I puked.

When we came back a game of beer pong started with Bffaeaeuddup and Boris versus Pinky and Zippers. Constantine another of Russian's friends was standing on the side with his arm around Lynn, Crackey's friend. Every pair of people in that room had a guy hitting on a girl and rather than pick up on some great drunken conversation I went to find some more beer. A few minutes later I came back, and noticed the room smelled a little funny, but odor is common to a drunk crowd. All of a sudden I see Pinky yelling "Oh my god! Zippers! Get up you turned on the gas!" Apparently he had leaned on the stove, turning the kitchen into a combustible nightmare.

A few minutes later the doorbell rings and Russian's other friends came over. I have never met another Risa in before, and I can tell you I didn't like it. She told us to call her Reese. By this point I was pretty drunk and started telling Crackey this was going to give me an identity crisis. What can I say, I'm spoiled by having a unique name. When I go upstairs a few minutes later, one of the girls is standing by Boris in the kitchen and who is telling the girl to her face that she is fat and ugly.

A few drunken hazy minutes later, Russian is missing so I go upstairs to find him. I walk up the stairs and start peering into rooms. In one room is someone peering out from under a blanket. I stick my head in and call Russian's name. I think I am hallucinating from the Absinthe as I realize the guy on the sofa is a senior citizen and that Russian has turned into him since everyone else is downstairs. Someone taps me on the shoulder and tells me Russian is down the hall and that I'm staring at his grandfather, Russian is sick and passed out in his sister's room. Out goes the host. That's one person down from shots of absinthe.
Absinthe: 1, Drunk college kids: 0

I head downstairs to get Russian a cup of water. Constantine is sitting on a chair with Russian's other friends. His head is on the table and I ask him if he's okay. He mumbles something incoherent and passes the fuck out. I go into the kitchen and Pinky informs me that she is hungry. I see a package of popcorn on the counter, so I stick it in the microwave and go to give Russian water. As I start up the stairs I hear BANG! Constantine has fallen off the chair and is lying on the floor. Some people make an effort to get him to the bathroom.
Absinthe: 2, Drunk college kids: 0

When I come back downstairs the floor is filled with smoke and the smell of burning popcorn fills the air. Whoops. I hear some bitching approaching and see Russian's other friends coming down the stairs yelling that the house is burning down. I tell them that it's the popcorn. Bffaeaeuddup comes down the stairs, and we throw the burning bag of popcorn in the sink and go downstairs with everyone else. Russian's other friends are convinced that the house is on fire and that we're all going to die. Dumb bitches. They leave.

While we're sitting around I stupidly tell Crackey to call Luci and she does. Boris picks up on the fact that there's something going on between me and this guy and starts making fun of me. I tell him the only thing going on is that I hate him. Eventually someone hangs up on Luci, Boris calls him back, curses at him and hangs up. Boris is my new best friend and is now allowed to hook up with Bffaeaeuddup. I tell Boris he should come visit Russian at Geneseo and Crackey agrees, Crackey: Yeah Yeltsin you can come as long as you don't bring Joseph.
Boris: Who's Jospeh?
Crackey: Stalin.

We're left with 10 people still living, since Constantine has somehow rejoined the living and but looks as though he has just received a frontal lobotomy. Zippers is hitting hardcore on Pinky, Boris wrestles me off the sofa to sit next to Bffaeaeuddup, Tom is eating a two gallon bag of crackers, Me, Crackey and Lynn are still drinking, and Josh is nursing the remainder of the bottle of absinthe.

As I sit in the living room loudly declaring my love for alcohol, Boris starts hitting me and telling me to shut up. I have already figured out that yes Boris is a cool guy, but he is also asshole, as most of my friends are. I assume he is just being a dick, and the he whispers, "Russian's parents are home." I promptly put my beer down and put on the "I'm-small-and-asian-and-innocent" look. Think Puss in Boots from Shrek 2. Meanwhile, Josh has finished the Absinthe. We have conquered the Absinthe!
Absinthe 2, Drunk college kids: 1

Russian's parents head upstairs and a few minuts later Boris heads after them. When he comes back he tells us that he talked to the parents, and they said we can hang out as long as we're not loud. Boris also tells us that if the parents ask, his name is James because everytime Russian gets in trouble he blames it on Boris and Russian's parents currently think "Boris" is in jail. Shortly after this announcement Josh gags and runs outside.
Absinthe: 3, Drunk college kids: 1

After this episode we decide to get some food. For some reason despite Boris being incoherent drunk and unknowledgeable about Staten Island we decide to follow his directions to get food. We leave Constantine at Russian's house because he puked earlier, but take Josh with us. See any inconsistancy in this logic? Me, Crakey, Lynn, and Tom get into one car, and Bffaeaeuddup, Pinky, Boris, Zippers, and Josh get into the other. Boris starts to fight Pinky for shot gun in Pinky's car because he wants to be close to Bffaeaeuddup. Pinky curses him out and throws him in the back seat. Crackey and I start laughing.

Our car follows Pinky's for a while and we realize we are:
a) following the worlds worst directions
b) in a borough we know nothing about
c) watching Josh puke out Pinky's window and all over her car.
Absinthe: 4, Drunk college kids: 1

I call Pinky and tell her to take him back to Russian's house. Meanwhile me and Tom are sitting in the back of the car making small talk. Eventually he decides to skip the small talk and try a pick up line.
Tom: So...have you ever been raped in the back of a car?
I never said he had any game.

We get back to Russian's house and decide we're going to go home. In the process of getting everyone out of the cars, Tom and Boris are now trying to convince Pinky to take Josh home. Me and Bffaeaeuddup are telling them there's no way in hell that's happening. There is already a crust of puke on the outside of Pinky's car. Boris starts arguing with Me and I tell him he's not scoring with my friend now because I am sworn to cock blocking him. Tom asks me again if I've ever been raped in the back of a car. I tell him that line didn't work the first time and isn't going to work now, and if he asks me again I'm going to kick him in the balls and throw him in the woods of the rape lot we were standing in. Then Bffaeaeuddup yells at him. Somehow things get worked out that we agree to take Tom to the subway and leave Josh at Russian's.

Once in the car, the small talk starts again and I tell Tom that I ran the NYC marathon.
Tom: You ran the New York City marathon? You want to make babies
This guy's pick up lines are about as effective as a pair of boobs in a gay club. Somehow Tom cons us into driving him home instead of to the subway, then me, Bffaeaeuddup, and Pinky go for some food. I start tell them I now have an identity crisis since I've met another Risa. Bffaeaeuddup says not to worry and that she sucks and is a bitch. She told a girl who was taking care of Russian not to take care of him because she's "not his mother".
Cool Risa: 1, Not-cool Risa: -289734

As we go through the drivethrough we realize that Mike DeSousa, whom Bffaeaeuddup and I had gone to elementary school with is in the car behind us. I stick my head out the window and yell "Hey is your name Mike? Are you Michael Desousa?" He laughs and says yes. The stupid part of me asking that question is, I was friends with him through highschool which was only 2 years ago. Then the kid driving the car yells out the window, "Hey, I bet you don't remember me. I went to your JHS too!" I take a good hard look at him and say, "Ross?" Damn, I'm good, I haven't talked to this kid...ever. The only two things I know about him are through stories I heard in junior high .
1) he almost died in 8th grade from the synergism of mixing substances
2) he supposedly has a large penis
It's lovely the random facts you pick up about people.

We end up chatting in the parking lot with them for a while, and they invite us to come to the bar. We decline but agree to it for another night. Ross asks who is going to give him a number. I agree because I am drunk and an alcoholic and thus I will not turn down a trip to a bar. I tell him I need his number in case he calls me and I have no recollection of ever having this encounter. As we're about to pull away Mike, being the Rico Suave that he is calls out the window "Wait! Pinky, I didn't get your number." Very smooth, she'll never guess you want to get into her panties now.

Later that morning somewhere around 5:30 I get a call from Ross. I ignore the call and decide he is crazy for calling someone he just met at that time, even if he does have a big penis.

Later in the afternoon, Pinky calls me and makes sense of the situation. Long story short, she texts Mike to tell him he's cute but gets Ross' phone instead. He has no message ID so he calls both of us to figure out which one of us it is. Pinky denies blame. So...apparently it's me. It's alright, he's cute anyways he can think what he wants.

At the end of our conversation Pinky asks me if that's what my typical night is like. I tell her that that was a fairly mild night and she should come visit me at school. She says she couldn't handle that and that by the way I owe her a carwash from the absinthe puke on her car. Absinthe: 5, Drunk college kids: 1

Epilogue I hung out with Russian again the other night and a little more of the story came through. During the party I had prepared the Absinthe in the correct fashion, burning sugar on a spoon and making it into a drink. Apparently the next morning Russian had to convince his parents that we weren't doing heroin since there were burnt spoons all over the house


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