The Life of an Attention Whore

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Cancun Chapter 1

"How do you say Cancun in Spanish?"

A Spring Break trip to Cancun is one of those College cliches that is defined by mass alcohol consumption and the resulting stupid drunk activities. Cancun for Clio, was both of the above with the added dimension of having nearly 60 other idiots from Geneseo with us. Surprisingly we weren't the drunken sluts on Spring break (no boobs were shown) but in our defense, if Clio's gonna do something we're gonna be the best at it, and the levels of whoreishness of the other girls in Cancun were so high we would've had to of engaged in group anal sex with animals to top the ongoings.

We (the Clios and Sig Taus) arrived in Cancun around 130 pm Mexican time after 2 long cramped flights from Rochester and Dallas. We went through customs, which was a joke ("give me your passport and press this button") and then we were out of the airport into sunny Cancun. The 20 or so of us got on the bus to head to orientation which was conducted by several sterotypical mexicans.

"welcome to Cancun...beers are being sold 2 for $5 to your right."

Well THAT certainly was the most fitting greeting we could've received upon arrival. Several of us got up and bought the Corona's (what the fuck else would you expect them to be selling?) and sat back down for orientation.

"okeeey these rules are like condoms ... nobody wants to use them but they keep you safe...FUCKINNNNNNG A!"

I'm not quite sure how to type out a stereotypical Mexican accent, but to get the full effect, just try and imagine that last statement delivered as such. I half expected the guy to be wearing a sombrero, mariachi costume and carrying a guitar with a pick up truck full of illegal immigrants behind him. After the incredibly informative orientation session in which they told us nothing of importance ("don't drink the water") and loaded us up with more wristbands than a hospital patient we were sent onto our bus to finally go to our hotel. Between the orientation session and the bus we passed a drug store which advertised Prozac, Vicodin as well as a host of other drugs that I'm pretty sure you need a prescription for in America. Apparently Mexico has a good handle on the regulation of drugs.

After what turned out to be a 4 hour bus trip to our hotel because the driver dropped us at the wrong hotel and then couldn't figure out where we were supposed to stay, we finally arrived at our new home, The Oasis Cancun. Excited to finally check in, after a hassling process in which random check-in fees decided to appear, we headed to the elevators with our luggage. I looked up at the elevators and saw my first example of Spring Break sluttyness...some girl in a thong had her ass pressed up against the glass wall of the elevator and was doing some form of "bend over to the front, touch your toes, bob your ass up and down and get low." This classy young lady would later become known by all as "thong girl."

We got into the elevator, being careful not to contract STD's from touching the walls and headed up to our new home 2527 in which Me, Mute, EVK and HKo would be living. Unfortunately when we got to the room our key didn't work, and since I'm a lazy fucker we had Mute and EVK go down to get the new key. In the meantime some guys in the room next to us came out and we started chatting with them with my favorite introductory line "I'm sober. I need to start drinking." This greeting is also known as the "rape me mating call." No sooner had a I said that then one of the guys went into his room and offered me a Strawberry Daquiri which I chugged half of before remembering one of the main rules of spring break...don't accept drinks from strangers.
Me: uhh, I just realized that I don't know you and I just took a drink from you. Are there roofies in this?
Put a check next to accepting drinks from strangers...stupid girl going to get raped behavior number one. Fortunately luck was on my side and there was in fact no roofies in the drink.

We eventually got into our room, quickly unpacked and headed to dinner, which was followed by a Geneseo style pregame for Daddy-o, the club we were heading to that night. After an hour or two of pregaming we all headed onto the buses to take us to the club. We later found out that bus fare is the equivalent of 65 American cents but somehow we all paid somewhere between a dollar and eight dollars for the 10 minute bus ride. Those Mexicans love our American dollars. When we got to Daddy-o's Mute and I somehow got separated from the rest of the group who had cut the line to get into the club, and unlike in Geneseo we couldn't say we were Clio's and get VIP treatment.

When we finally got into the club, it was packed and we had no idea where any of the other Geneseo kids were but we did find Food. Food said that he could get us into a VIP section and led us to the VIP bar. In the 20 foot walk from the entrance to the bar, I must've gotten my ass grabbed at least 10 times and was getting pretty ticked off at the skeevy guys in the club. On the other hand I was wearing a shirt that had to be taped to my boobs to stay in place so I guess I was asking for it like a wife who talks back is asking to be beaten.

After getting us drinks Food led us to the VIP section where he started tipping the servers well to get us rounds of drinks as quickly as possible. In fact in a ten minute period Mute and I must've done 5 shots a piece. Thank you to Food, because if it wasn't for him I definately would've had a shitty time at that club. Plus that was my first lesson of how to get by in Mexico...bring money. By the middle of the night we were getting 10 beers brought to our table every ten minutes which evolved into most of the Geneseo kids finding us and chilling at our table. Oh, alcohol...the Geneseo mating call.

Meanwhile, in front of our table sat one of the generic sluts of spring break. The girl was slouched on a chair with her skirt hiked up to her tits while a guy who looked like a body building midget with a Napoleonic complex was shirtless and grinding on her...or basically fornicating (Spring break rule #2 no defecating or fornicating in public). My attention was quickly drawn away from that when Big Boy appeared dancing on one of the stages, shirtless, swinging his shirt around his head. That was the first time I had seen him doing anything but giving people dirty looks at the IB door and denying ID's. Now if he ever doesn't believe me that I'm a 5'9" white chick I can remind him of his Spring Break escapades. At the same time, the AGC girls came around asking if any of us had seen Gingerale. Apparently she was wasted and had gone missing from the second they had entered the club and no one had seen her in a couple of hours. None of us had seen her either so they decided to sit with us for a while and have a few drinks.

Soon after they sat down there came the highlight of the night...slut contests. The large stage in the center of the club hosted a variety of competitions from the kiss contest...which turned into dry humping, to the banana eating contest...which turned into hide you boner, to the sexy dancing contest...which turned into dry humping, to the give Don Vito a lap dance contest...which turned to dry humping and try to keep your self from puking. At one point some girl put her shirt over Don Vito's head and shook her tits in his face...I literally ran to the bathroom and vomited. In one of the contests I recognized ThongGirl and realized I was going to be unwillingly subjected to images of her ass for the rest of my break.

After the contests, the club started to die down and Lunchlady and I wanted to leave to go find Quazi. I looked around for Mute but she was nowhere to be found and neither was Food. After searching for a while I realized they were probably together. Thor and I left to try to find Quazi at one of the bars next door. The first bar we walked into Thor and I were immediately greeted with "I give you shots. You dance on bar." hmm...I'm wearing a miniskirt, and will be elevated above every guy in the bar...I think we're gonna have to pass on that one. We bolted from there and headed into the next bar over. After having a few drinks there, stumbling around and having my ass grabbed a few more times we headed out and tried to figure out where our hotel was.

Being drunk and in a foreign country, we decided the best way to get home was the same way we got home in Geneseo...stumbling and walking and hoping for the best. One of us eventually got the sense to ask "Donde esta Oasis Cancun?" to which the guy responded "10 minute car ride from here." By our calculations we figured that meant we should probably take a bus, then realized we had no idea how to go about doing that, and tried to hail a taxi instead. Correction, the taxis tried to hail us. Again, Mexicans are big on money so they would go out of their way to see if anyone drunk and walking would need a ride. Kind of like the sexual predators of the transportation world.

Trying not to seem like too much of tourists (though I don't know how many Mexicans are blonde or asian and only speak English) Thor tried to haggle with the cab drivers. "I have Seis Dollar-es!" Most of the drivers looked at us like we were insane and drove away. Eventually one guy agreed to drive us back for the 6 dollars and we hopped in the back of the cab. In the process of getting into the back of the cab I suddenly heard "OW!" Thor had forgotten to remove her foot from the door before closing it. And people wonder why drunks get such a bad rep. On the ride back Thor started to tell the driver her life history and about how her brother in law is puerto rican...which has no similarity to Mexicans except that they both speak a form of Spanish. However, her Spanish isn't very good so she ended up telling him that her husband was Puerto Rican instead. At the same time I was telling him that I didn't speak Spanish at all and that I could only speak a little French, and continued to speak in French for the rest of the ride back. When we got to the hotel I handed the driver a $20 and he gave me $10 back saying that he didn't have change. Those sheisty bastards. Then again, we had said that we only had $6 so I guess we're the shady American's trying to keep the drivers from earning an "honest" living in which they rip off tourists.

When I got back to the hotel I went up to my room to look for Mute, but she was nowhere to be found so I headed down to the 2nd floor to hang with the other Geneseo kids. Thor and I checked Food's room for Mute and then decided to look to see if Quazi was back. When we got to the room where Quazi and her boyfriend were staying, we found Sloth curled up in one of the other beds spooning with an unidentified lady. She had a hot rectangular figure, smooth plastic skin, and a plastic bag protecting her insides. He looked so adorable cuddling with the garbage can. We later found out that he had walked home which is pretty smart considering how much we had already been ripped of by Mexican transportation. Thor, Fluffy and I decided to sit on the balcony and watch the drunk people pour into the hotel. Eventually we saw Food get out of a cab alone.
Food: I lost my sunglasses!
Thor: Way to care about the person.
A few minutes later Mute rolled up in a cab and I ran down to meet her. She had also lost everyone and we decided we needed a better buddy system.

Speaking of getting lost and the buddy system, it turns out that Gingerale had wandered off by herself and was found later on in the night drunkenly dancing and making out with a random guy on the stage at Daddy-o's. When people tried to retrieve her she was dancing so emphatically that she knocked the both of them off the stage. In another part of Cancun, Solo, true to her name had wandered off by herself and gotten lost. When she hailed a cab home she then realized she didn't have any money and had to run through the hotel crying and try to find $15 for the cab ride home. I think we all needed better buddy systems.


At 12:37 AM, Blogger philprehiem0955150206 said...

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