The Life of an Attention Whore

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Recipe for Disaster

Its pretty evident from most of these stories that sorority life is a large part of my life, particularly when it comes to drunken nights. In all fairness, drinking is not the only part of being in a sorority but it a necessary part of continuing traditions. As Bakedsale once put it "Geneseo was founded in 1871, and it only took girls a year in the world of academia until they were driven to form a sorority. Clio would give them an excuse to get wasted while having co-ed social gatherings while only wearing their petticoats."

One of these traditional drinking excursions is Senior Derby, which occurs a week or two before graduation, when we take our seniors out and give them shots at a series of predetermined locations around town. There was also the added bonus of a competition. At the end of the derby the rest of the sorority takes a vote on who is the drunkest most fun senior. Yes, we have an actual competition to see who is the drunkest. Usually only a handful of non-seniors show up, but this year Clio went out fullforce. Drinks + being almost graduated + a sorority + a competition on who can be drunkest = recipe for disaster.

The Clio Pregame
1 part ho-house
8 parts graduating seniors

-add other Clios to taste. Shake well with alcohol and serve in Clio house. Garnish with floaties, sunglasses, fairy wings and stickers.

When I got to the Clio house at 7 pm a good portion of the seniors were already pretty hammered. Captain had been drinking a Wodka and lime since 2pm (1 part water, 1 part vodka, 1 lime sliced and squeezed) and Fay's little had bought her a water jug with 2 pitchers of the Idle's infamed "Dirty Water" in it (2 x [1 bottle smirnoff ice, and 3 or 4 shots in it- rum, vodka, gin and tequila]). All the other seniors were also well on their way to inebriation. After an hour of the typical sorority photo taking, screeches, hugs, naked pillow fights and all that other cliche stuff you'd expect sororoity girls to do, we headed down to our first stop, Sig Tau.

Downtown Geneseo Trip
1 part long walk
8 parts drinking in public
1 part yelling
1 part singing

-mix ingredients and serve over town of Geneseo.

As we walked across campus, everyone brought sippies with them (sorority lingo for plastic containers filled with alcohol), and it was a good thing too. Considering that the seniors were dressed like retarded children heading to a day at the beach, we needed to be at least buzzed to brave the mean streets of Geneseo. Fortunately Fay the Sped thug was with us, seeing as she was dressed with one pant leg up sweatpants hanging off her ass, thong showing, with sunglasses and arm floaties, at least we had our street cred in tact. When we finally arrived at Sig Tau, most of the Seniors were slightly drunk, and everyone else seemed to be buzzing at least.

Upon arrival, MacGyver and Shuff emerged from the horizon as the Hobo's fantasy. Two hot girls walking down the street, pushing a shopping cart full of booze. Macgyver, true to her nickname had come up with the brilliant idea of stealing a shopping cart to ease the transportation of the liquor/beers across campus. These sexy vagrants then served up the first mandated shot of the night, Jaeger Bombs (1 shot of Jaeger, 1/2 can Redbull). A shot I like to think of as get you drunk and keep you awake so you can black out but keep on going. Everyone downed their shots, and some even asked for a second, citing being not drunk enough as the reason for requiring more alcohol. Little did they know what we had in store for the rest of the night.

After leaving Sig Tau we crossed the street and went to Sig Nu to do one of our traditional shots - the Peppermint Patty. Unfortunately, when we arrived they must of mistaken our troop (headed by the shopping cart) for an angry mob of retarded bums coming to storm their fraternity house. In response to this sight, they tossed a full container of orange juice at our heads as a distraction, so we screamed at their house with slurred threats, and then walked next door to TKE.

When we got to TKE we proceeded to tilt our heads back, open our mouths, and wait for a nice sweet surprise to pour down our throats. MacGyver poured in some Pepperming Schnapps and Shuff poured in some chocolate syrup. The drinking person would then shake up their head and swallow the shot. Trust me, it's amazing. Fortunately those shots went pretty uneventfully, except for the fact that we finished the bottle in less than 10 minutes. Onto the next house.

By the time we started walking to Phi Kap, Fay's pants were not even covering her ass...it was going to be a full moon kind of night. Besides what would a sorority story be without some kind of nudity? At Phi Kap we proceeded to drink one of the harsher shots which was the turning point of the night. "Who wants some liquid cocaine!?" (1 part goldschlagger, 1 part jaeger, 1 part Ice 101). Certainly not me. Fay was the first person to brave the drink, and following the shot she immediately ran to the back of the house and puked in the bushes. If Fay, who drinks and smokes 24/7 couldn't handle the shot, that did not bode well for the rest of us. However, being the alcoholics that we are most people decided to try the shot in hopes of attaining the prestigious title of drunkest Senior.

After hanging out and puking for a while at that house, we were onto our next stop, ZBXi. That also went pretty uneventfully, with the seniors chugging a beer and then hanging out with the brothers for a while. The only difference was by that point things were getting a little more disorganized and clumsy as we started to shift from buzzed/drunk to drunk/blackout. Oh well...shit happens. Akon and I also decided that walking was not for us, so went and picked up her car and drove to our next location.

Next stop, soccer house, which from Spring break experiences with them, I knew would be a disaster area. Akon and I arrived just as everyone was walking there. The shot for that house was a Redheaded Slut (1 part jaeger, 1 part peach schnapps, 3 parts cranberry - though I'm pretty sure it was more like 4 parts jaeger and peach with a splash of cranberry). Still it was definately the tastiest drink yet. At this point full fledged drunkeness and blackouts were the cool thing do, and Akon was blasting music from her car while the rest of us pretended we could hear it, and pretended we had any sense of rhythm that would allow us to dance. If I wasn't so drunk by that point I would've had to of laughed at the sight of a bunch of mostly rhythmless people in floaties and glasses dancing around and taking shots...but as the saying goes, if you can't beat 'em - join 'em.

Somehow, after all this travelling and drinking it was only 9 pm, and we were all hammered by the time we got to our second to last stop which was across the street from a police station. By this point we could handle nothing more than pussy shots so Macgyver and Shuff provided us with Buttery Nipples (1 part Irish cream, 1 part butterscotch schnapps, topped with whipped cream). Needless to say, those ran out pretty quickly only because we decided to opt for whipits over more drinks. Besides what's a day of alcohol without some form of drugs? After the whipped cream ran out people just started chugging the Irish Cream and Butterscotch, while drunkenly stumbling around on the front lawn.

At some point, Fay went up to Captain and jumped on her to hug her. Now if you have any idea how drunk people operate, then you know that this was THE recipe for disaster. As soon as Fay jumped on her Captain fell over onto the cement with a thud that could be heard throughout the house. Uh oh. When someone went to help her up there was a small pool of blood behind her head. Someone put a sweatshirt on the wound, and ran to grab a pack of ice, or package of corn, whichever would be easier to find. In the drunken stupor, half the people had no idea that this had happened, and the other half were debating whether we should call the ambulance or not. Quickly sobering up I took the initiative to call my friend on campus "First Response" who gave me a bunch of tests to administer to Captain. He said she was fine but should go home and not drink anymore. We proceeded to try and get her in Akon's car, but she refused and the next thing we know ambulances and police cars were showing up. Macgyver and I, not wanting to get in trouble or lose the shopping cart of alcohol booked it to the Clio junior house.

After we got there people slowly started to stumble in over the next hour. Not wanting to lose our drunk, or ruin the fun, as soon as seniors got there we embarked on the final shot, Soco lime. Halfway into the bottle, we ran out of lime, so people just started picking up random bottles from the cart and chugging them. I ended up with the butterscotch schnapps, which after drinking about 6 shots of it, and another 3 or 4 of soco sent my stomach into an agry rage thereby forcing me to remove the alcohol from my system. Meanwhile some of the people who came in told us that Captain and Fay had been taken home by the cops.

A few minutes later a bunch of us headed over to DK, our last stop. By that time we were out of alcohol but of course the guys were prepared with beer and some liquor. Unfortunately for me, my stomach couldn't handle much more liquor at that time so I went to find TaffyCockmaster, one of the seniors who had went home, so we could meet up and hang out at the bar. In the process of leaving DK I ran into Cheese and KatieB and the three of us walked up for pizza.

Derby Aftermath
1 part crowded college bar
1 part angry drunks

-combine ingredients and mix well. Shake until bouncers appear. Serve to police.

When we got to the pizza shop TaffyCockmaster called me and told me that Captain and Fay had gotten home safely and were now wreaking havoc on the Ho-house. I guess the combination of alcohol, a concussion, and being driven home by the cops had sent the two into a seemingly steriod induced frenzy- I knew cocaine made people aggressive but I didn't know liquid cocaine had the same effects. Meanwhile, Taffycockmaster was trying to sneak out of the house without enduring the wrath of the drunkest seniors. Eventually she made it to the pizza shop, and then we headed to the IB where we met up with Mute.

Being our normal Clio selves, we cut the line for the bar while everyone cursed us out, got our drinks headed towards our pool table. As we did, some random guy (and when I say random I mean non-Geneseo, since everyone in Geneseo knows everyone else) told us to get up on the pool table and tried to physically put us up there. Either way, not needing the extra push, we jumped up, and Taffycockmaster started dancing with Chels. Meanwhile Mute and I were sitting on the edge of the table chatting.

The next thing we know some random girls jump on our table and start dancing, which in the Greek world is a big no-no. Regarding the sorority hierarchy, each sorority has their area to dance, and dancing in one of these designated areas without proper clearance is punishable by execution. Dancing on our pool table, which is the prime spot by the bar and the entrance, is like a gentleman or lady of African American descent entering a KKK meeting and expecting not to get hanged. Yes it's that bad, and please ignore the parallel between KKK hoods and Clio's white coats.

Trying to diffuse the situation is as subtle of a manner as possible, MacGyver jumps on the pool table with some other Clio's and tries to slowly bump these intruders off the table. In response, these girls start pushing back, and finally angrily yell "Do you own this table?" Now this is where the situation gets tricky...we don't literally "own" the table, but techincally we do. Considering the owner of the bar will condone us and the bouncers removing non-Clios from the table, I'd say by all social standards that we do, in fact, own the table. Yes it's horrible that we're the stereotypical "bitchy girls" that get our way at the expense of others...but if you don't like it fuck you, you were probably a loser in high school that got tormented by the cool people like us. just kidding

Instead of waiting for an answer, the girls get off, and start cursing at us from the floor below us, while the Clio's triumphantly danced on the table ignoring them. However, Mute, being sober, logical, and a nice human being tried to explain the bar hierarchy to them but with no success. Oh well, some people just can't accept that they're losers.

Shortly after that we see the same guy who told us to get on the table yell "SLUTS" at Taffycockmaster and Chels and then try to play it off like it wasn't him. Mute and I ignored it, afterall, a sorority girl being called a slut is nothing new.

The next thing we know this guy comes up to Mute and tries to hit on her, and jump up to sit on the table with her.
Mute: Don't try to hit on me after you just called my friends sluts.
Douche: You should be happy I'm hitting on you. I'm in the army. I'm dying for your country.
Mute: You volunteered, there's no draft.
Douche: FUCK YOU YOU DYKEY BITCH!
...and with that he jumped off the table.

Now, calling a Clio a slut is one thing, but calling one a "dykey bitch" is another.
a) we are far from dykey
b) we're not bitches...oh wait yeah we are
In response to GIJerks's anger at being rejected, Mute grabbed the nearest drink and poured it all over him as he ran awy, with his big macho army self being afraid of the wrath of a sorority girl. Ten minutes later GIJerk comes back with friends and a cup of beer and throws it at Mute, missing her and hitting me.

First of all, what kind of "soldier" needs back up to fight a girl? Army of one my ass. Secondly, what kind of pussy starts a fight with girls, with his friends, and then runs away? And finally, if the guy can't even properly aim a beer from 2 feet away do you really want him shooting a gun in defense your country?

Anyway, in response to him throwing the beer at us, TaffyCockmaster lunged off the pool table and attacked GIJerk. And me, being the amazing 100 pound force that I am followed her with the best of intentions. Knowing my mammoth size wouldn't really be helping in the fight, I pushed GIJerk in order to make him push me back. Smart move on my part since as soon as the bouncers saw two sweet innocent girls getting pushed by a guy he got forcefully thrown out of the bar, yelled at by Fat Carl, and threatened by the police sitting outside the bar. Don't fuck with drunk Clios and God bless our troops.

4 Comments:

At 9:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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