The Life of an Attention Whore

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Fall Sex Progressive

"Geneseo does not work in the real world. I was thinking about this, I made out with five people and went home and had sex with another...this is not appropriate in the real world"
- anonymous

It was supposed to be a typical night of Geneseo drinking. A few hundred drinks, some raunchy dancing maybe some blacked out idiot streaking through the party when he got too drunk. But on the other hand, it was the Sex Progressive, and the name pretty much says it all. Mix alcohol, horny college students, more alcohol, competition, more alcohol, and a sex theme and you see if you can keep your boner tucked and panties dry. At my first party, I ran through the frat house without pants on, but my ass was mostly covered so I was only deemed a slight whore. My last party, I stripped down a bra and underwear and did gymnastics - I had just upgraded to borderline stripper. And me being the attention whore that I am, I won't let some silly junior version of myself outdo the almighty Risa in her senior year.

When Shuff, Lunchlady and I arrived at the Sig Tau house things were off to a mild start. The boys were wasted as usual, but the girls still being sober were pretending to be of virtuous character. Since I was also sober at this point I made Shuff promise me that I wouldn't take of any clothes this year. Being the ones to make a fashionably late entrance, we arrived and the organizers broke us up into groups with whom we would be hanging out - and by hanging out I mean making out. My group consisted of me, Shuff, Lunchlady, MarkyMark, RicoSuave, CG, and SM - three of which were younger than me. I kind of felt like the Senior girls were suffering from a mild form of pedophilia, but that shit made Mary Kay Letourneau famous - so it can't be that bad right?

The night kicked off with all the teams having a pitcher chug race, partially to get us in the competitive spirt, and partially to get us drunk so we'd do stupid shit later on. Pretty much the standard way to get people to hook up, feed them alcohol and keep asking. Remeber ladies and gents, "No" doesn't mean "no" it just means feed me a few more drinks and ask later. In any case, my team won. We were off to a good start.

After the pitcher race, the groups split up into seperate apartments, while team "Super Awesome Friends Forever" AKA "Team UN" (we had a lot of minorities by Geneseo standards - a Jew, a Mexican and a Chink walk into a sex progressive...) AKA "Team Rico Suave" AKA "Team Lance Bass is Gay" stayed in the basement to play sex charades. Goal...get points for everything. However, one of the down sides of getting to a party late, and sober is that you're still sober 10 minutes later even if you chug a pitcher between 7 people. In order to remedy the situation, our team moved to the laundry room with 2 bottles of butterscotch schnapps and a bottle of whipped cream which we immediately started pounding and doing whipits. The theme of the room was sex charades with points being awarded for correctly guessing the position being acted out. Having consumed some alcohol, and having licked whipped cream off each other's body parts, we proceeded to act out some of our creative sex positions, like missionary, doggy style, and 69. Our sex positions got boring quicker than banging a girl on roofies so we chugged some more schnapps, and kicked the next group out of their room so we could have some fun of our own.

The next room was the 8th grade room where we played spin the bottle, which usually runs smoothly, except we weren't that drunk yet so it was kind of awkward. And by awkward I mean face sucking sessions that included banging teeth and things such as Shuff casually sitting next to MarkyMark and saying "so.....lets make out?" We eventually realized that the game was missing something so we took a haitus for shots of $8 a gallon vodka - oh alcohol the social lubricant. To quote the Marquis de Sade, "Conversation like certain other parts of the anatomy run much smoother when lubricated." In our case just replace "conversation" with "blantant acts of prostitution."

After the shot break, we loosened up like the cheap sluts that we are and started to make out uninhibitedly. After about 2 minutes of spinning, everyone had made out with everyone so we were getting bored with the game. In an attempt to spice up the game SM spun the bottle, got me and chokeslammed me onto the couch and proceeded to make out with me. It was hot in that "if you try and resist me I'll choke you bitch!" kind of way. A few minutes later CG emerged in a skin tight leather vest (think gay S&M porn), and sat on the couch caressing his own chest. He also decided that we all need to share in the wisdom of his fly which stated "aren't you lucky?" And Shuff was indeed, that lucky, as her next spin permitted her to make out with him and caress his leather vest.

After the 8th grade room we proceeded to the 3rd grade room where little kids run around and you get into bed with them Michael Jackson style. Joking - there was a twister board in the middle of the room and rules went as follows, each team pairs up boy/girl and chooses a color. Whenever that color is picked, you have to make out with your partner and do a shot. If you pick your own color you have to make out and do a shot. So making out is the new drunken handshake. At this point we were all getting pretty drunk, and this is where things start to go down hill, and the accuracy of my memories get a little shaky. I do however, remember promising that by the end of the party I would get naked. I always keep my word.

This room also had the stipulation that if you left the room to "make a memory" your team got 1000 points. Again, the point system was about as significant as Britney Spears' marriage; pointful in the sense that it got people to hook up but in fact completely and utterly devoid of meaning - but that didn't stop us from all going to make some memories of our own. Except for the whole remembering things part.

After that room we were:
a) compeletely hammered
b) pretty comfortable with each other and about 2 shots short of an orgy.
Of course the next logical game to play was body shots. Now this is where we ran into trouble. Body shots are sexy by definition, but when your female team consists of 2/3 girls being in the itty bitty titty committee you kind of limit your body shot options. Trying to put a shot glass between mine or Shuff's boobs is like trying to get Ruben Studdard in a phone booth - it's just not gonna happen. This would be a major obstacle in our quest to achieve the whorebag crown for the night so we had to get creative and quick. Finally I came up with a plan. "

"I'll strip down to a thong if someone else runs naked with me."

Oh, I'm not a whore. RicoSuave volunteered. That was how our team would achieve it's claim to fame - as the naked people. Ignorinng the fact that I had earlier stated my aversion to stripping tonight, I offered myself up to the gods of exhibitionishm and began to remove my articles of clothing. In slight disbelief that I would have the proverbial balls to get naked and run through a frat house, my team exited the apartment to watch me run through the house. I stripped down to just a thong and my high gold hooker shoes, exited the apartment with RicoSuave and ran through the Sig Tau party room.

After exiting the party room, to get back to our team we had to run through the parking lot of the house, which was outdoors and on the Geneseo equivalent of Fraternity Row. This could get interesting. I counted to three and then the two of us made a run for it. Unfortunately, the parking lot was packed and I could barely get across it. Halfway through I realized I was in a spotlight, and stopped dead in my track like a deer in the headlights. Oh wait, it was headlights. Akon was in her car and was staring at me and laughing. I regained my composure and continued my run to rejoin my team. A little while later the planners of the party came up to me and handed me a big black dildo, wishing me congratulations on winning the sex progressive. I didn't know there would be a winner, but I guess alcohol + sex games + me getting mostly naked = Risa is a big whore = Risa is a winner. I guess the points counted for something.

After that as memorable as my night may have been, I don't remember it. A few days later at the Clio meeting Akon was telling my tale of exhibitionism to the rest of the sorority when I learned something new about my night. Although I was smart enough to realize that one person running around naked is odd, but two people is funny - I didn't think out the fine details of the situation. Akon recounted the tale as such:
"I'm in my car trying to leave when all of I see Risa running throught the parking lot covering her boobs. Then I see a fully clothed boy chasing after her"
Gee. Thanks. And that's the last time I ever go streaking with boys. At least until next semester.