The Life of an Attention Whore

Friday, December 08, 2006

ZBXi Date Party

One of the Geneseo phenomenons that I have yet to depict is the social anomaly known as a date party. As the calendar approaches Christmas every sorority, fraternity and team has a holiday date party of some sort because what better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than to drink yourself into sin. Then you can confess your non-virtuous behaviors in the morning and while you're there you might as well stay for Christmas mass! We thoroughly think the timing of these things through.

Last Thursday I had the honor of being invited to one such party with the best invitational questions I've ever been asked before a date party
"Two questions. 1) What flavor blunt. 2) What kind of drink."
This was going to be a fun Saturday night.

Saturday night came around, and because of the previous night's events and events from earlier in the day, I was completely sleep deprived - which is always a good thing when your expected to kill a bottle of rum before even leaving your pre-party. Around 8 pm Blackout came to pick me up and I got into the car, which had parked at the wrong house.
"Sorry, he's really high," Blackout said as we pulled out of the driveway and headed in the wrong directon from the pre-party. By the time we got to the pre-party it was 10 minutes later, which is the same amount of time it would've taken had we walked to the party.

We entered the house which was filled with dressed up classy college students walking around with handles of cheap liquor and boxes of wine. Blackout and I headed for the kitchen with our Captain Mo and Pepsi. The next logical step after making our drinks was to socialize with everyone else, so we sat down at a game of asshole which no one was paying attention to and realized this was the standard for all attempted games for the rest of the night. Bored of repeatedly asking people if they could play a card, we left the room to find a quiet place for some alternate activities.

I'm talking about smoking. Geez.

We rolled an L and tried to find a place in the house where we could smoke. Eventually we found one of the boys who actually lived in the house and asked him if we could smoke in their pantry which was the size of a large closet with a couch and a fish tank. As far as indoor views go for smoking, a fish tank is pretty high on the high-archy. Upon closer examination we realized something about the fish - "Holy shit! Are those piranhas??!"

We realized we had hit the jackpot in smoking locations. We asked the owner if we could feed them but he said that we couldn't because it would spoil their appetite for their next feeding. Disappointed, but holding a dutch we accepted this explanation, lit up and enjoyed the view. As we were smoking a blunt to the face and watching the fish, I started knocking on the tank to see if I could anger the fish enough to try and snap at me, but to no avail.

(music is playing and people are walking around in the kitchen which is visible through the fish tank. Blackout and Risa are sitting on a couch in a small room looking at piranhas and smoking a large blunt between the two of them)

(exhaling a cloud of smoke and staring thoughtfully at the piranhas)
What do you think would happen if I stuck my finger in the tank?

(takes the blunt from Risa and continues watching the tank)
Probably nothing, piranhas are attracted to blood

(pauses and the blunt is passed back and forth. Risa smiles and says)
So, if we like pricked our fingers and stuck it in the tank what would happen?

(looks at Risa)
Do you have a pin or something? I'm really tempted to do this

We should definately not hang out together.

(staring at his hands and pushing his sleeves up)
I'm looking for like a scab or something.

(end scene)

Fortunately neither of us had any open flesh wounds, and we smoked half the blunt and decided to save the rest for later. We exited the room, re-entered the party, made new drinks (realized the bottle was half empty - or half full since I'm an optimist), and headed for the couch since at this point standing required more effort than either of us was willing to expend. Being in the state that we were in, we immediately zoned out to the TV. After staring at this moving picture box for a few minutes, I realized we were watching a rodeo with all sorts of bull riding, hog tying and calf wrestling events. Once the heroic competitor completed his event he promptly walked out of the arena, shot his gun into the air, yelled "YEEEE HAWWW" and fucked his sister while waving a confederate flag. I really don't understand white people sports.

We eventually got bored of the rodeo and turned our attention towards more interesting topics of conversation, eventually stumbling across the topic of South Park. (Warning: If you have a high opinion of me [which you shouldn't] and want to maintain this perspective, you should probably skip this next paragraph as severe loserdom ensues) Once getting on the topic of this pop culture TV show I had to bring up my favorite episode from the most recent season - the Warcraft episode. Without going into details that would make your body immediately sprout back-ne and your vocals change to speaking Klingon, we started talking about the different campaigns you could play on the old game and went into an in depth conversation on the benefits of using orcs over humans, and how the axe throwers were the "coolest" characters to use. Suddenly Blackout turned around, leaned in conspiratorially, suspiciously looked over his shoulder and said, "I really hope no one's listening to our conversation," and wisely we returned to drinking and talking about how great eating spinch artichoke dip would be.

A few minutes into our next conversation, the guy in the couple sitting next to us turned and asked us what the name was of the kid from 'The Sixth Sense'. I told him the answer and Blackout commented on how life was like one big trivia game where you could be doing anything and someone could just turn and ask you the most random question. I responded, "When was the Magna Carta signed?"
At which point he turned to a guy getting up to get another drink and asked him "Hey, when was the Magna Carta signed?" To which the guy responded "1215," and continued on his way to the kitchen. WoW* and English history - what conversational gems would come up next!

Sometime around 10 a sober guy showed up to drive us from our preparty to the date party. When it was our turn (we were the last trip) we were informed that there was a slight problem. The last people that had been dropped off had been gotten an underage possession violation, and we couldn't bring our alcohol to the party. Awww how cute, none of my friends are old enough to drink. I told everyone to give me their alcohol to hold and we got into the car and headed to the party.

By the time we got to the party everyone was wasted, and about 30 people were drunkenly stumbling around with drinks - a situation which resulted in me getting more alcohol on me than in me while we were there. We entered the party and I immediately headed for the punch, and overheard someone telling his girlfriend not to drink the punch because there were roofies in it. His girlfriend immediately dropped her drink and looked at him with a hurt and violated expression. I looked at them, pounded my punch, refilled it and walked away.

At this point we have reached the climax of my story, the point at which I go from remembering all the fun things that happenend to the point where things start to get a little hazy. I remember looking out the window and watching the kid getting busted for underage drinking while his date was standing at the back of the car looking pretty upset. Then I realized she was wearing the same jacket as me. Damnit, it was one of the new girls in my sorority, Wastecase. I waited for them to come back in the house, and then I joined the paparazzi in getting an account of the highlight story of the night - because in college the closer you get to being arrested without it actually happening determines your coolness.

I told Blackout I was heading to the bathroom with Wastecase to find out what had happened, and he said he was going to ask her date his side of the story. We agreed to reconvene at 2200 hours to exchange information and continue on mission get-as-fucked-up-as-possible-because-its-a-date-party. I followed Wastecase into the bathroom with a few other girls and as soon as we shut the door, she burst into tears. When she finally calmed down we determined that she had seen the cop car while they were driving and had decided it was in her best interest to remove the open container from the car - by throwing it out the window. As a result, her date had gotten a possession charge, and she got a ticket for littering. When was the last time you heard of someone getting an actual littering ticket? Watch out for those gum wrappers in Geneseo ladies and gents, because you never know when Big Brother is watching.

After leaving the bathroom I met up with Blackout, we exchanged stories, and drank some more. But there's only so much time you can spend drinking and talking about RPG's so we decided to take a walk to his room to do some shots. We got to the dorms after trecking across the grassy knolls of Geneseo and headed to his room. After shots we checked the bus schedule so we would have a ride to the bars. Realizing we still had a few minutes, and are both computer nerds, we started scanning for entertainment. We came across a video on how cocaine is processed from leaves into a fine white powder, which spurred a conversation regarding the benefits of organic chemistry. Sweet deal - WoW, English history and organic chemistry! I got so excited I almost forgot to take out my retainer before heading to the bus!

By this point, point drunk was an understatement, and calling us both "blackout" might be a better description of our condition. We caught the bus uptown to the bars, and headed towards the IB. Unfortunately for my date he's not quite of age yet, and he was slightly nervous about using his fake ID to get into the bar. That's where being a Clio comes in. I told him to link arms with me, and we headed into the bar together. I didn't get ID'd and he just got a quick glance at the ID. I love my sorority.

After heading into the IB, things get really really hazy, and quite honestly I don't remember anything about it other than being there. Sometime around closing I stumbled out by myself, with the intention of heading home. On the way I ran into Turtle and his housemates who recruited me for some good times up at their place. Again, still being ridiculously drunk, I don't remember much from being there other than smoking and sitting around for about 2 hours just being high and immobile. Around 4 am I stumbled back to my house and went to sleep.

In the morning I checked my text messages and found out that Blackout was still up at 5 am drinking more liquor in his suite. Meanwhile on the other side of town I had to be up at 9am to go to a Christmas party for underprivileged children. Because of the date party I hadn't planned on showing up, but since I got drunk, woke up dehydrated and couldn't go back to sleep I figured I might as well go. I guess Jesus wanted me to go to that date party for a reason.

*For those of you unfamiliar with the gaming world WoW refers to World of Warcraft, a "massive multiplayer online role playing game (RPG) developed by Blizzard Entertainment." (wikipedia) Go ahead. Think less of me. I asked for it.