More on Why I Hate Giving Dating its Due Diligence
(Why I Hate Giving Dating its Due Diligence)
Fri, Sept 3, 2011
Long story short, ended up getting pissed off at a guy I kind of liked which sends every girl into a certain “mode”. To quote, rapper extraordinaire, Wale, “Women’ll sell they soul, just to buy some attention.” Yes, I admitted it, women are attention whores. That often mocked reverse psychology of insulting a girl to make her feel insecure so she’s more likely to sleep with you - totally works. So once again I succumbed to my friends’ suggestions of actually going on dates.
2 days later
Went to my cousin’s friends birthday party, where there were a lot of people I didn’t know. Met a guy who wasn’t bad looking (AKA that cusp where a good personality would make you on the low end of do-ability or a shitty personality would make you completely forgettable) that came late to the party because he was coming from a “crappy date.” Already several pitchers deep, I gave him my bbm, and ignored the warning sign of a guy coming from a date immediately trying to pick up another girl.
3 days later
After a few days of bbm-ing back and forth, we agreed to meet up on a Wednesday night and go to dinner. He said he had family that lived in Astoria, so I agreed to have him pick me up from work and we would go to dinner in the area. When I asked where we were going he said he had no idea and asked if I could pick the place. I refused, because, here’s another psychology of women trick - we want men. No matter how strong our personalities, we still want a guy that’s capable of proverbially beating us with a club and taking control of the situation. We want to be taken out and treated like the damsel in distress. Here’s me waving my white handkerchief, come save me you gallant studs.
Back to the story. It was a dark and rainy indian summer night when he came to pick me up and like a gentleman he got out of the car with an umbrella to escort me to the car. Props.
When we got to his car he asked if I liked sushi, (definitely) so we settled on a sushi restaurant in the area. The place was cute enough, an Americanized, nicely decorated sushi place with a typical menu. We sat down, and the waitress came by to take our drink orders. He ordered a water and handed her back the drink menu. Unfamiliar with the etiquette of dating, I figured I had to follow suit, and ordered a water as well. Side note, did I mention we met at a beer garden when I was intoxicated? And that I’m probably a functional alcoholic? And that alcohol = loosening up your date (see previous nightmare date story)
One of the things I pride myself on as an occupational hazard of being a bartender is my ability to talk to anyone or anything. I can find something interesting to talk about with almost any person. Or a plant. Or a wall. Seeing as this was a date, I decided to cover 2/3 of MY favorite topics: food and travel, as he had already taken talking about booze off the table. Literally.
Me: So, I’m kind of a foodie.
Him: Me too. I’m not just a bar food and meat and potatoes kind of guy.
Me: Really? Cool, so what kind of stuff do you like? What should I order for dinner here, what’s good?
Him: Spicy tuna is my favorite. The spicy tuna rolls here are really good. They have some specialty rolls too.
Okay. I’ll admit I’m kind of a food snob, but by no means, even my friends who aren’t that into sushi, would anyone I know think that spicy tuna would be considered the pinnacle of sushi. Give me some uni and ikura - that’s on almost every menu. Even some eel would’ve been a little more credible. Spicy tuna is what I feed the Persian kids in Great Neck, overloaded with extra spicy mayo, tons of soy sauce and “crunch.” I guess food is now also off the list of things we’ll be discussing over dinner. And to be fair, had he not qualified himself as a “foodie”,” him declaring a love for spicy tuna would not have been an issue. And letting him take control, I ordered the specialty roll at his suggestion - spicy tuna wrapped in avocado.
Me: I love traveling, like, I try to travel as often as possible.
Him: Me too! I love to travel.
Me: Nice! Where have you been?
(Ok, I know this is a loaded question because I know I’m fortunate to have flight privileges, and I don’t expect that everyone has had my fortune of being able to travel outside of the country - let’s see where this is going…)
Him: I’ve been to Philadelphia, New Jersey - sorry I mean Atlantic City and Vegas.
Me: (working hard not to choke on my delicious water) ohhh umm nice…I just went to Vegas in June. Where did you stay in Vegas?
Him: Off the strip.
What the fuck? Is there anything off the strip? Was he staying in the brothel district? You can find a shitty hotel on the strip for less than $100 and I’m assuming you have friends you can split the room with… And Jersey is traveling? Fuck, I guess a lot of my friends travel on a daily basis from Hoboken to work. Jetsetter status!
Me: Oh… ummm…(come on Risa you can do this…pull the bartender social skills out you can get through this!) umm…. Do you like sports?
Him: No, not really.
At this point I decided to get obnoxious in the best way I knew how in hopes he wouldn’t ask me out again. I decided to get all hipster on his ass.
Him: I like sushi
Me: I liked sushi before it was cool, since I was a kid. And nothing compares to the sushi I had in Japan
Him: I take boxing lessons.
Me: A few of my friends do MMA and went to Thailand to study and compete in tournaments there.
Him: I’m trying to get in shape for a tournament
Me: I ran the NYC marathon.
About an hour and a half after he picked me up, he dropped me back off at work where I ran into a few of my friends and decided to stay for a drink or 2 while telling them about my fabulous new boyfriend. An hour after he dropped me off he bbm’d me and asked me if I was free to hang out again soon. I had another 4 drinks and went to a strip club to wipe away any memory of this date ever happening.
If I was lucky the story would’ve ended there.
The next day he messages me first thing in the morning, and continuing on my streak of being an obnoxious one-upper (and probably still drunk) he asked how the rest of my night was and I said, I went to a strip club with one of my guy friends (I forgot to mention we drove past the club on the way to dinner and he asked what the place was, I told him it was a strip club and he said he had never been to one before). Honestly, I’m not good at rejecting people or saying no, so I hoped that through a combination of being obnoxious and consistently busy for the next rest of my life he’d eventually disappear.
Over the next month he continued to bbm me despite my decision to evolve from lengthy obnoxious responses, to curt one word answers several hours after he sent a message.
A few choice exchanges
Him: When are you gonna invite me over and cook me dinner?
Me: I don’t know how to cook
Him: Are you busy at working making that dough? I need a sugar mama.
Him: I’m down the block from your job. Are you there? Can I come visit?
Me: No. I’m busy.
Him: I could use a massage
Him: You know I would spend time to get to bed.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
A few days after those wonderfully seductive words I left for Germany and the Netherlands. I only had service in free Wi-Fi zones which was for about an hour once a day and I get this message (verbatim) after not responding to his messages.
“Why you icin me out, you know I was feeling you, let’s at least give it another go. Lets give it its due diligence.”
Due diligence….really? Oh thank god. Now I know we both know going on a date with you is a chore and an obligation.
There were more curt exchanges after that once I got back to the country, involving one word answers from me concluded by this
Him: (c. 2am) Are you at work?
Me: (c. 11 am) No
And then he sent me a message that I refused to open so he could see I read it (ahhh the wonders of bbm). The message started “Good just in time…” and then 15 minutes the messaged disappeared as did he from my list of bbm friends. I assumed he got the point and deleted me and figured me for a bitch.
A few days before Thanksgiving I was debating writing a little story up about him for being another one of the weirdos that bit the dust, but generally he was an okay, kind of nice guy, that really didn’t deserve public abuse despite him being a bit weird or occasionally saying weird things, and being clueless about social interactions. Then I get this yesterday on Thanksgiving (via text message)
(Name) Due Diligence: Happy turkey day
Me: You too
(Name) Due Diligence: What are you up to?
Me: Same thing as everyone else. Getting ready for thanksgiving. You?
(Name) Due Diligence: At my sisters
(Name) Due Diligence: I want to cum inside your throat.
Me: I’d have a better time blowing a cactus than going anywhere near you.
“Due diligence” is a term used for a number of concepts involving either an investigation of a business or person prior to signing a contract, or an act with a certain standard of care. It can be a legal obligation, but the term will more commonly apply to voluntary investigations. A common example of due diligence in various industries is the process through which a potential acquirer evaluates a target company or its assets for acquisition.
The DUE DILIGENCE of Mr. Spicy tuna AKA Mr. Due Diligence
Less than 2 hours spent together in person
0 physical interactions
1 massage request
1 sexual favor command
0 intriguing factors
Evaluation: TARGET AND AFFILIATED ASSETS ARE DEFINITELY NOT WORTH ACQUIRING.